


been feeling broken but i'm not

by Cats_Dont_Float



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual John Egbert, Asexuality, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Sexuality Crisis, also rated t for Karkat's language, haven't checked this for typos, i should be asleep right now, i'll do that later, oops its another vent fic, rated t for mentions of sex but there's no smut or whatever, someones gotta stop me from writing this stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-26 11:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21373567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cats_Dont_Float/pseuds/Cats_Dont_Float
Summary: John Egbert should be happy. He should be the happiest person on Earth. Because he's got two boyfriends and a good life with them, and they love him as much as he loves them. But something's bothering him, and he can't help feeling like there's something wrong with him. And mostly, he's worried about how they're going to feel when he finally talks to them about this.(An asexual!John fic)
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 9
Kudos: 117





	been feeling broken but i'm not

Your name is John Egbert, and right now, you feel like an idiot.

There’s a perfectly good reason for you feeling this way, or at least it’s a good reason in your head. Because you’re currently sat on the sofa in the living room of your good, albeit slightly nosy, friend, Rose Lalonde, far too early in the morning, about to ask her something probably stupid and definitely embarrassing. She’s making tea in the kitchen, talking quietly to her wife, and you’re sat there alone, picking nervously at a hole in your jeans as you wait for her to come back.

“So,” Rose says eventually, stepping into the living room and passing a delicate-looking tea cup over to you. You taking it carefully, and nod your thanks to her, raising it to your lips and not caring that it scalds your tongue slightly. Rose seats herself on the sofa opposite you, folding herself down neatly and placing her hands onto her lap, then looks up at you expectantly.

“So,” she repeats herself again, “What brings you to my door so early on a Saturday morning?”

You wince; you’d forgotten most people didn’t like visits this early in the morning. “Sorry Rose,” you say. You haven’t exactly been sleeping recently, and you forget that other people don’t have the same restless schedule as you.

“It’s no problem,” she says, “Now, tell me what’s wrong.”

You don’t ask how she knows there’s something wrong. She always seems to know. “I… I don’t know where to start,” you sigh.

“Is this about your relationship?” She asks quietly.

“You know about that?” You’re a little surprised, to be honest; you haven’t exactly told anyone yet.

“Karkat told Kanaya,” Rose says with a small nod, “And Kanaya tells me everything. You know, John, honesty is a good part of any relationship. Whatever’s bothering you, you should tell Karkat, and Dave, for that matter.”

You sigh heavily at the mention of both of your new boyfriends, and shift a little uncomfortably. “I’m scared they’ll leave me if they find out,” you mutter quietly, instantly hoping she won’t have heard that. Of course, in typical Rose Lalonde fashion, she hears every word.

“Oh,” she says quietly, for once a little lost for words, “So, are you here for my advice?”

“I didn’t know who else might know about this sort of stuff,” you sigh, “And I figured you read a lot and you might know. And you know a lot about… sex.” Even the word makes you a little uncomfortable, and you glance down at your hands in embarrassment, suddenly wishing you’d just stayed in bed a little longer and thought this through more.

“Ah,” Rose says softly, “I take it Dave and Karkat are interested in taking the relationship further.”

“They’ve already… you know,” you mutter, “Before they started dating me. But…”

“They want you to be part of it?” She suggests, “And you’re… nervous?”

“I’m not nervous!” You snap, then glance away,“I just… I really don’t want to. But I don’t know how to tell them that, and I don’t want to let them down.”

Rose makes a small, sympathetic noise, and then she suddenly moves and sits next to you. “John,” she says quietly, “Have you ever -”

“Yes,” you cut her off before she can finish the question, your cheeks now burning bright red. When she throws a questioning glance at you, you say, “Vriska,” in response, then add, “It wasn’t horrible, but I didn’t like it and I don’t really feel that way about people. Am I… broken?”

“Oh, John, sweetie,” Rose says quietly, shifting closer to you and putting a hand on your knee gently, “Of course not.” She thinks for a second, then adds, “Have you heard of the word asexual?”

“Asexual,” you say slowly. You’ve never heard the word before.

“A lack of sexual attraction to people,” she explains gently, “It’s a spectrum, so not everyone is completely sex-repulsed. And everyone experiences it differently but it sounds like maybe you’re somewhere on that spectrum.”

“Huh.” It’s all you can really think to say.

“It’s not a bad thing,” Rose says, “And you’re definitely not the only person. It’s more common than you’d think.”

“I don’t want it to ruin things,” you say quietly, blinking as your eyes start to fill with tears, “I love them so much Rose, and I never thought I’d have a relationship and I… I’m scared.”

“Talk to Dave and Karkat,” she says gently, “They’re not going to hate you or break up with you for this.”

“If they do, I’ll take a chainsaw to them for you,” another voice adds, and Kanaya steps into the room, looking guilty as it’s obvious she’s been listening. You don’t care; Kanaya’s a good secret keeper.

“You haven’t got to do that,” John says, “But thank you. Both of you. I think I need to go home and think. A lot.”

Rose leans over to give you an awkward, sideways sort of hug, and you wrap your own arms around her tightly. “You’ll be fine, John,” she whispers quietly, “Good luck.”

“Thank you,” you reply, and then pat her heavily on the shoulder as you get up. “I… yeah, I’ve gotta go.”

And so you head home, walking unnecessarily fast as a thousand thoughts rush through your head and try to work out how you feel. Now that Rose has brought up the word ‘asexual’ it makes a little sense to you, like maybe you’re not quite as weird as you thought you were. But even so, the thought of telling your new boyfriends terrifies you.

You think over it for the rest of the day, even going as far to do some research about asexuality online. And the more you look at it, the more it makes sense. You go to sleep that night with a smile on your face, a weird mixture of relief and confusion filling your head, and get a few good hours asleep.

When morning comes around, you text both of your boyfriends, and ask them to come around. They’re quick to agree, and when they arrive an hour later, you’re pacing anxiously in the living room, pulling at the sleeves of the ridiculously oversized hoodie you’re wearing and trying to work out exactly how to tell them. You rush to get the door when you hear the familiar sound of Dave knocking some ridiculous tune, and let them in in silence.

“Hey,” Dave says quietly, “You alright?” You nod faintly, and he opens up his arms towards you. With a small smile, you fall forwards against his chest, letting him envelop you in a hug. He smells so good, and familiar, like his fancy soap and hair gel, and you breathe it in deeply, an anxious voice at the back of your mind telling you that you might not ever get to experience this again after today. Karkat clears his throat then, and you turn to face the troll with a smile, letting him hug you too, though he hugs much more briefly, and you barely get the time to bury your nose into his hair like you usually do. When he lets go of you, you shift awkwardly from foot to foot for a second, before gesturing them towards the living room. They glance at each other curiously, but then Dave shrugs, and the two head in and sit down on the sofa.

They leave a space between them on the sofa, and Dave waves you over to sit there. You slowly sit yourself down in the small space, and Dave instantly throws an arm over your shoulders, whilst Karkat leans into your side with a small sigh.

“So,” Dave says, “You clearly need to say something.”

“What?” You ask, a little taken aback.

“C’mon dude, I can see how scared you are,” Dave says. “Do you… wanna break up with us?” He adds quietly.

“No! No! Of course not!” You gasp, looking up at him. By your side, you feel the way Karkat practically melts with relief.

“Good, we were scared, you sounded weird when you called us,” Karkat grunts, turning his face to press it into your shoulder. Dave lifts the hand that’s around your back to pet Karkat on the head gently.

“You might wanna break up with me after this though,” you mutter, and the two instantly sit up a little straighter, both leaning away from you so they can look at you properly.

“What the fuck did you do, Egbert?” Karkat sighs.

“I didn’t do anything,” you sigh, “I don’t think so anyway.” You wring your hands together, biting down anxiously on your bottom lip, and then sigh. Best to just say it. “I talked to Rose about. some stuff, and she helped me understand something I’ve been struggling with. I’m… well… I-I’m asexual. I think. Yeah. Yeah, I am.”

“Huh?” They both say in the exact same confused tone of voice, and you sigh heavily.

“Okay, it means like...” You try to think of a way to explain it, “Okay, so like… I kinda don’t wanna have sex. Not right now, probably never. It makes me feel uncomfortable, and I’m just not really attracted to people in that way. I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck are you aplogising for?” Karkat says, and then he’s suddenly in your lap, wrapping both arms around your waist. “That’s not your fucking fault, dumbass. And of course we’re not fucking leaving you for that. Right, Dave?” There’s a protective growl to his voice.

“Of course not,” Dave agrees, and then his own arms come up around both you and Karkat. “Holy shit John, I’m so sorry if you thought we were pressuring you.”

“No, it’s okay,” you say, too overwhelmed to really say anything else, because you really did think they were going to leave you. And then you burst into tears.

“Fuck, you really were scared about this, huh?” Karkat murmurs gently, running a hand up and down your back, “Shit, babe. We’d never be angry about that.” He leans back very gently, and tips your chin up with one hand, despite how desperate you are to not make eye contact with him whilst you’re crying. When you try to put your head back down, Karkat quickly leans in to press a kiss to your forehead, wiping away a tear with his thumb as he does so.

“Don’t cry,” Karkat whispers, “It’s okay.”

“Rose said… that I wasn’t b-broken, but, but I f-feel broken,” you manage to choke out, trying to hold back another wave of tears, “And I don’t know if I’ll ever n-not feel broken. It… it hurts.”

“Well you’ve got us to talk to now,” Dave says quietly, “And we’re not going anywhere.”

“Never,” Karkat agrees firmly, before planting a kiss on top of your head when you press your face into his chest. 

“T-thank you,” you mutter weakly, “I love you both.” There’s a moment of silence, in which you realise you’ve never told either of them you love them before, and then Karkat purrs quietly.

“I love you too,” Dave whispers gently in your ear, before pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“Flushed for you too,” Karkat adds, tangling his fingers in your hair, “And nothing’s going to change that.”

“Nothing?” You check.

“Nothing,” they both say at the exact same time, and you smile faintly through your tears.

Later that night, both of them completely refuse to leave your house, even though you know they had plans together, and the three of you end up curled up together in your bed. It’s not quite big enough for the three of you, and because Karkat’s the smallest he ends up practically laying on top of you and Dave. It doesn’t matter though, because you’ve got both of them, they still love you, and you feel like maybe you’ll be okay. Even so, it takes you a long time to fall asleep, even when both of them have drifted off to sleep, you’re head still filled with thoughts and left-over anxiety from the day, despite their assurances that you’re okay, and not broken. You manage to accidentally wake Karkat up as you try to move, and he props himself up on elbow to look at you tiredly.

“Still awake?” He asks quietly.

“Thinking,” you reply.

“Stop that for now,” he mumbles, “Sleep time.” You laugh softly at his sleepy mumbling, and when he leans in you kiss him gently, ruffling his hair gently with one hand.

“Okay, I’ll sleep,” you tell him. 

“Good,” he replies, then rolls over to cling a little closer to your chest. With a smile, you press your face into his messy hair gently, between his two horns, breathing in his scent, and smile to yourself.

As he falls back asleep against your chest, you’re sure that nothing can come between your love for this boy, or for Dave either. And though the anxiety at the very edge of your mind worries that one day they’ll grow sick of you, for now you can put it out of your head, and you do what Karkat says. You breathe out a long, heavy sigh, and for the first time in a while, you let yourself sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> hello my lovely asexual readers - I just wanted to say you're valid, and loved, and you're not broken. It's difficult I know, but you're gonna be okay, and there's nothing wrong with you. <3
> 
> this is just a self-indulgent vent fic in which i spill a lot of my own feelings into John, and I kinda hate the end result, but I might as well post it somewhere. maybe I'll delete it or rewrite it but for now i'm just gonna leave it here. maybe it'll help someone feeling the same way, or you guys'll just enjoy it or whatever. anyway thanks for reading my nonsense, and i'd like to apologies for the ridiculous length of my notes, i can't help babbling. it's late. i'm tired. i've gotta go out early tomorrow morning. thanks for reading!


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